Its official, I've found myself doing things I never thought I would do to get by. I've done the thing that used to be my lowest standard, the thing I said I would never do, but I had to, to help my family. Things are apparently really tight right now, mom is not making enough money and my brother is still eating everything in sight and she cant afford to pay for it alone anymore. Dad's child support payments will come to an end in a few months and things will be even worse then. I was forced to apply for state benefits, my whole life I always thought I was above that, that only cheap, lazy, white trash, government leaches, were the only ones who would do something like that. I always felt like I was too well off to do that, and if I did it then I was no better then them. It's not really even for me, mom needs the cash and food assistance more than I do, but she can't apply herself because she has too many assets, and my brother can't apply because he is under 18. So I'm pretty much it, the last chance that this broken, piece of shit family has. I'm not ready to grow up yet! I never thought I would have to get a job that I hate and depend on the government to make ends meet but that's the way it seems to be heading.
It all started with that stupid government assistance application, I thought, why would i ever need this, were not that bad off yet. Then there was the free food, a community group was handing out free groceries and me and mom were there bright and early standing in like with hundreds of other white trash citizens waiting to get our hand out. I had this inkling in the pit of my stomach, "We're not this desperate are we?" We shouldn't have been there, we don't need handouts! I don't like being one of the needy bastards who survives off of the crumbs and waste of others. More than half of the food that we got was either rotten, out of date, or just plain inedible. They truly gave us the trash that they didn't want, us and hundreds of other people, so desperate for a meal that we'd live off of stale chicken and two year old juice boxes. If I'm going to have to live off the discarded waste of humanity I'd at least rather fish it out of the dumpster myself than have it packaged up and handed to me in a soup line, that way I at least feel that I earned it. That way I feel like less of a dependent slob who can't even whip their own shit.
Not to mention that mother has taken a shine to getting hand outs from the senior citizens she takes care of. She hasn't been to a proper grocery store in weeks, we have been living off of rank meals on wheels bread that is already starting to go moldy and the crummy chicken patties we got from the community group. Last night she came in with a huge sack full of those shitty individually wrapped slices of bread and she was absolutely extactic about it. Turns out most of that was rotten and going to waste as well. I'm tired of living off of the scraps of humanity, and taking handouts. I'd rather go out and forge for food myself, but no, because apparently its still beneath us to go dumpster diving for our dinner, at least we would have some kind of a choice in what we get. If we didn't want the bread we could turn it down and leave it there for someone else, but with handouts we have to take it because we can't do any better.
I feel much better now, well, not really. I just needed to get a lot of this out. Even If I told mother how I feel she wouldn't care, apparently she likes this sort of thing. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I know i need to find a way to take care of myself without relying on handouts from others. There won't always be old people handing you their leftover bread when they don't want it anymore. I have a lot to think about.